Blamed and Jolted

June 2017



God on the Move

I was driving out to an "Elijah House" course one day, when I noticed the car in front of me had the number plate "FHR666".
I thought to myself, "What a horrible number plate to have!" The number 666 is of course famously known as the "Number of the Beast", the devil himself (Revelation 13:18). Then a further thought came to my mind that "FHR" may just stand for the word "FatHeR, thus giving the message "the father of evil" which the Bible also refers to as the "father of lies" (John 8:44).

At the time I chuckled at the number plate, thinking just how comical and daring people can be. I had no idea that this was a significant message to me from God concerning my life, which I later discovered during the course I was attending.



Clingy Child

One interesting topic (among many) covered in the "Elijah House" course that day was "unmet need". A child with many unmet needs can send him/her on a course of meeting additional difficulties later on in life. In pondering over this, I heard God speak to me about my own childhood. He reminded me of how obsessively clingy I was to my mother when I was a little girl. Indeed, I was so clingy that I insisted on -- one way or another -- being physically attached to her, whether being carried in a baby bag or just being in her arms. If I had to be apart from her, then she would have to be within my sight or hearing or else I would plunge into a tantrum.

One incident occurred when I was four years old. As I was busy playing in the sand, I realised that I had not heard my mother's voice for a while. When I called out for her, our maid told me that my mother had gone shopping. She had slipped out quietly as she did not want to take me with her. I felt so betrayed and angry that I cried non-stop until she came home three hours later. By then I was barely breathing, as I was all cried out.

There were other similar occurrences -- too many to mention here. The point of the matter is that I never really understood why I was like that -- what could have been the reason behind this behaviour? Could there have been some unmet needs? I decided to bring this issue to the ministry team for inner healing that day on the Elijah House course.

What they and I were to discover from the Holy Spirit was far beyond what anyone could ever imagine! The impact of the ministry was also far more enormous than anyone could have ever realised. Not only would it change my life, but also the life of many others that would come to cross my path.



Inner Healing

We began the ministry by looking into the clingy issue I had as a child. It appears that whilst my mother was meeting my physical need of always wanting to be in her presence, she was (at that time) considering me to be a pest... a hassle... a pain. Therefore my emotional needs of being loved and wanted (which were equally important) were far from being met, and were in fact discarded due to the inconvenience of always having to meet my physical needs. Two and then three years later, this situation worsened as two of my brothers were born, and my mother's attention was further divided.

Many years later still, when I was living away from home at university, I recall a phone conversation I had with my mother in which she said that due to her busyness, she had forgotten for a while that she had a daughter! That conversation hurt me deeply and made me feel as if I didn't exist. My mother has apologised since, but the hurt remained with me all these years.


The Womb Life

In order to pursue this further, the ministry team decided to back-track to the time I was in my mother's womb. How was my mother's pregnancy of me? Fortunately I already had some information on this. According to my mother, she was pregnant with me during her last year at university, and due to the severe morning sickness she was having, her lecturer advised her to give up those final stages of her studies -- advice which she followed.

Being able to go to University and to have already passed the first and second year exams were rare in those days, especially in a poor country such as Indonesia. Had she finished her education, my mother's prospects of getting a job would have been much improved, and may have been enough to pull her family out of poverty. But as it was, she had to give it all up because of me. She admitted how gutted and disappointed she was, distressed that her education was being taken out of her reach.

My mother was also very malnourished during pregnancy due to poverty, stressed not knowing where the next meal would come from. That stress was transferred to me as a fetus, and I was born a month premature and somewhat underweight.


Holy Spirit Revelation

The minister now placed the focus on me as a little fetus. He asked the Holy Spirit to reveal how I was feeling as the little fetus in the womb of a mother who was gutted, disappointed and distressed. I closed my eyes to better listen to the Holy Spirit. At first there was nothing, but then suddenly a word (which was not my own) came out of my mouth... and it was:

BLAME -- I was blamed for being there in the womb... for being the cause of trouble to my mother.

Then a few seconds later, two more words came out of my mouth (which were again not my own):

TOO SOON -- I came too soon... it was the wrong time for me to be there... I should have come later.

Tears started flowing out my eyes, those words hurt, and they hurt very deep. I was only a little fetus and didn't have any control of the time I should arrive or be formed. My premature birth was my way of "getting out of the way" as quickly as I was able to.


Bad Fruits

It all made sense now how, in my early childhood, I had felt unloved, unwanted, an inconvenience, crying out for mum's attention to notice and love me. This obviously made me clingy as a child, but later as I came into adulthood, it caused me to look for love and affirmation elsewhere, unfortunately in all the wrong places -- mostly from boyfriends who broke my heart time and time again, some of whom were violent towards me.

This also explains why when mum came to visit me in New Zealand for 2 months, she isolated herself from me daily. Instead of spending time with me, she would immerse herself in my garden from dawn to sunset. I had come to expect such an unloving behaviour from my mother that I was defiling her to do the very thing I expected her to do! This expectancy was rooted in bitterness, hence it became a bitter root expectancy towards her.

The pain of all this realisation was now increasing in intensity...


Timing Issue 

As the pain heightened, I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me again -- this time of my habit of being always late for appointments. He revealed that this was my way of compensating for being "too soon". I didn't want to get somewhere too soon, so I would delay and delay to the point where I'd be consistently late.

The Holy Spirit also spoke further of the consequences of this timing issue how sometimes, though not always, I had been "out of timing" -- where opportunities to help people had been lost, or helping people too early or too late. This would have some impact on the ministry God had called me to do and the people in my path.

It was staggering and astounding to me how my womb experiences could affect my life and the lives of those around me in such a critical way. What a revelation this was!


Blame Issue

The Holy Spirit then showed me another thing -- the effect of the blame that I received as a little fetus. This explains how all through my life, I have found myself to be an apologetic person for even the smallest of things because I was always feeling "at fault". Yes, I have a habit of saying "sorry" for no good reason, even when things were not my fault or there was nothing to be sorry about. The word "sorry" would just roll off my tongue as I instinctively blamed myself out of habit.

The Holy Spirit continued to show me more things -- how the spirit of Blame was working with the spirit of Lies. Whilst Blame was blaming me for being in my mother's womb too soon, Lies was telling me that I was not wanted nor welcomed. The spirit of Lies is the father of lies, and it was trying to rob me of my identity in Christ, and of God's plans for me to exist. It was trying to muscle in on God being my Father, my Maker, and trying to claim me as its victim, trying to ruin my life right from the start!

That number plate FHR666 now makes sense! The father of lies is full of lies and will tell all the lies he can -- and he does so to everyone in this world! And those who listen to him and believe in what he says will have ruined lives (whether they realise it or not, since they would not know what their lives would have been like otherwise).

So although I thought my life was OK, it was actually not: the wounding on me as a fetus hampered -- or prevented -- so much of what God had planned for me from coming to pass. But God in His grace and mercy was bringing me to healing -- in His perfect timing, of course.
 



Dealing with the Root and Healing in Christ

The minister then prayed for healing to the little fetus that was me. He asked the Lord Jesus to take the burden from me, to cut off the power of those words of lies that have caused bonding and basic trust issues with my mother, lies that had made me feel at ill-ease with myself all the way to adulthood.

Big drops of tears were falling from my eyes by the bucketful, and along with them all the toxins that my body had been carrying from all the years of blame, distress and unmet needs.The minister then blessed the tears I was crying and asked the Lord to help me weep through my grief in having to take the blame, the betrayal, the lies against me, the lie that I was a mistake. I heard the minister pray, "Take it all Lord and flush it out". Then he said to me, "God knitted you in your mother's womb, you were meant to be there".

Suddenly I felt blame being lifted off me, and relief washing over me.

Then I heard the minister continue his prayer, saying "Elma, I see your spirit jolted out of time. I call your spirit into alignment and agreement with the Lords's timing." Then he asked the Lord to show me His truth about me, and I heard God say to me:

"You came at the perfect time."

I felt healing being poured into my heart, and the pain there was now subsiding. Then after a few minutes of gathering myself, the minister led me to break all the structures and strongholds that I had come to build around my heart to protect myself from all the hurt:
  • I repented of the bitter root judgments I had made against my mother (and also my father) for being unloving, for blaming me, for rejecting me, for not being there for me, for their betrayal and abandonment, for not meeting my emotional needs, and for favouring my brothers.
  • I repented of the bitter root expectancies I had of my mother: that she would always love my brothers more than me, and hence meet their needs rather than mine.
  • I also repented of the sins of my tantrums to control my mother when I was a child, making her bond to me physically, keeping her constricted and restricted.
  • I also forgave my parents for all those things I mentioned above, and blessed them both. Although my parents were far from perfect (as are other parents too), I do love them and honour them for giving me life.
The minister then finished his prayer by declaring the power of judgments and expectancies broken, all the reaping taken by Jesus Christ, declaring all confessed sins forgiven, and all defilement lifted off. He then "synchronised" my spirit by asking the Lord to bond me with Him, so that I know every part of my being is safe with Him.

As he was praying, I suddenly saw a vision of myself sitting on a swing underneath a huge tree. Jesus was pushing me on the swing, smiling and making me laugh. I also saw a hammock next to the swing where I was resting, with Jesus looking over me, keeping me safe while I rested.

Then I heard the minister's final sentence, "This is the season for you to ripen Elma, called forth to the fullness of time and authority, so that you would call others into their time and their authority". This was just what I need to catapult me back into the ministry God has given me. Praise God!
  


A Healed Life

The next day as I drove to attend another day of the course, I saw yet another car, this time with the number plate "GFT222". Immediately "GFT" came to me as "God the FaTher", but I was puzzled about what 222 could mean.

During the worship time before the course started, I asked God what could "222" mean? Once again I thought to myself, "How God could possibly even answer this question? It's an awkward one to answer!"

To my surprise, however, the answer came immediately, God said:

"Elma -- you and me, God the Father are 2, you and the Lord Jesus are 2, you and Holy Spirit are 2 --- I am aligning you with the Trinity".

I smiled big and wide at the wonderful answer He gave me. "That's right", I thought, "I have been misaligned due to being jolted out of time. And with all the blame, I had lost my identity and destiny. Now I am being put back on course in time and aligned. And God is now my rightful Father and my daughtership is re-instated with Him through Christ. Hallelujah. Thank You, Lord!"

I shared this conversation I had with God with one of the prayer Ministers, she looked so surprised and pleased and told me that "222" is a covenant number. I didn't know what that meant and didn't think anymore of it that day.

But since then I have had a spring in my step and a joy in my heart. And whenever someone comes to me for help, I hear myself checking with the Holy Spirit as to when and how I should help them. I find myself more relaxed, less rushed, more dependent on Holy Spirit leading, and much more gentle in my ways of helping them.

I also noticed that in general I'm in good time for my appointments. I will either arrive slightly early or right on time.  Also, on the occasions when I am running late, I am not at all stressed like I was before -- and then when I do get there, I find that I am likely to be on time after all: the time seems to have been made up somewhere during the journey... how odd but wonderful at the same time!



Graduation Day

At the end of the course, they have what they call a "graduation ceremony" in which each attendee is given a certificate of completion, a prophesy, and is also prayed over by the Chairman and one of the Prayer Ministers. When it came to my turn, the Chairman spoke saying that I am faithful: a faithful servant of God. I remembered thinking that was a nice thing to say, but knowing my own flaws and weaknesses, the thought of me not being so faithful was on my mind.

Then another prophesy came from the Prayer Minister who said that I was a "Moses", bringing people out of Egypt (a place of bondage). But then she continued by saying that I am also a "Joshua", bringing people into their promised land (i.e. into their healing). I felt honoured and humbled upon hearing this, as that has always been my heart's desire for the people in my life and for those who come to me for ministry.



Further Revelation & Confirmation from God

Weeks passed, when I suddenly had the urge in my heart to look further into "222" being a covenant number. What I discovered blew me away -- which is essentially this, taken from a sermon by American Pastor Troy Brewer:
  • The number 2 means "Faithful Witness and a Godly division". 
God has called His people to be a faithful witness. We cannot be a witness without being separate from what we are witnessing against. God calls us out and divides us from what we have come out of. The light that is in the believer is a witness against the darkness of this world.

  • The number 222 is a triplicate of 2 which means a "Complete Witness". Just as 1 represents unity, 111 represents complete unity.

This fits perfectly with what was prophesied over me on Graduation day: being a Faithful servant (Witness) who will lead people out of bondage and into their healing/freedom (Complete witness, not just half way, doing half a job).

Is this really God's plan for me? Well, with all that has happened in my own inner healing and the prophesies that were said over me, I will have to believe it and live it out the best I can, of course with my Faithful helper, the Holy Spirit -- apart from Whom I can do nothing!



Food for Thought

There are many people in this world with womb experiences far worse than mine. In having seen the impact of my own -- a clingy child issue being the fruit of blame and being jolted out of time -- with consequences that impacted not only my own life but others who cross my path --  one can only wonder just how many of us out there who have not yet discovered their TRUE story: their true self, their true destiny and their true identity? Imagine the impact Inner Healing can make on the lives of many in this world.

If this story has inspired you to reflect upon your own life and childhood, and even upon the children that you have, I would urge you to consider attending, if possible, an Elijah House Course in the country in which you live, and perhaps to receive inner healing for yourself (everyone needs it). By doing so, you will come to life -- more than ever before -- alive in God and alive to be the person He originally designed and created you to be, and to do what God has planned for you -- all of which is always good, by the way!  :)

Elijah House Links

Scriptures

Psalm 27:10
Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. 

The Lord loves us and longs to adopt us as His sons and daughters, no matter what our parents have done to us. We need only to come to Him. This is not about bad parenting, but rather about our sinful responses towards our parents (even as a fetus we could already be responding since our "spirit" is already formed) -- responses which have bound us and kept us from
receiving all that God has for us. It is no wonder God said:

Exodus 20:12
“Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

In any area where we have not honoured our mother and father, there our life struggles will be.