Women Troubles

May 2016

Women Troubles

It is commonly known that men can have women troubles, but women can also have women troubles, such as the one I am about to share. 

For over 30 years, women just did not seem like me. As soon as they saw me (even from afar), they would give me looks that could kill (much like the picture attached), leaving me puzzled as to why. They didn't even know me, not a single word had yet been exchanged. How could they seem to dislike me so quickly?

Men, on the other hand, were generally polite and friendly to me. And so over the years, I gained more male than female friends. There were a few women who became very good friends with me, but they were very few and far between.

So I lived a life where I was disliked and even hated by most women. Over time I came to expect it, and although I accepted it, it rendered me nervous at social gatherings. I hated invitations where I would meet new people, particularly if they were women. As a way to protect myself, I often refrained from conversing with them.

In recent times, whilst attending Elijah House courses, God revealed to me that this was an "inner healing" issue. Women hating me was a present day fruit caused by some childhood root.  As I opened myself up for inner healing, I was astonished to find that my identity, my destiny and the lives of those around me were affected all along -- but God, in His grace and mercy, was about to put everything right.

Inner Healing

Heart Wounding and a Bitter Root

The inner healing session began with me recalling an incident at a University lodging many years ago. I had just come back from an evening out. No sooner had I got to my door than my eyes fell on the word "SLAG" scribbled all over it, in huge capital letters. It hurt me deeply and that image still lingers in my mind today. Who could have written such an awful thing? Rumour had it that it was the second year female students who wrote it. They didn't even know me. At that moment, I felt just like how Jesus must have felt when He said...

John 15:25: ...They hated me without reason.'

Tears started to flow as I recalled that incident. The pain that was buried deep was now slowly coming up to the surface.

Then I heard the minister ask, "How was your relationship with your mother?"
My mind's focus shifted to my mother as I answered, "We are OK, we are good."
The minister asked further, "Has it always been like that?"

I fumbled to answer, "No I suppose not, not when I was young. Mum was often critical of me. She would point out all my weaknesses and all the things I had done wrong -- no affirmations that I could remember..."

Then I continued, "...oh and she would often compare me to my father. She said that I am just like my father. Mum would even compare my feet to my father's feet, saying how flat and unattractive they are. And so now I have come to hate my feet as well."

More tears started to flow as my mothers words, "You are just like your father... you are just like your father... your feet are horrible and flat..." started to repeat themselves in my ears.

Then the minister asked, "So what do you think of your mother?"
I replied, "She is a critical woman, full of criticism."

Then I suddenly saw it -- I had harboured a bitter root judgment against my mother. I judged her to be a critical person!

In any area where we have harboured bitter root judgments against our mother and father, there our life struggles will be. 
It is not about bad parenting, but rather our sinful responses to that.

Structures around the Heart 

The Biblical teaching of Elijah House states that the Law of Sowing and Reaping causes us to reap from any bitter root judgment that we make. The reaping usually comes in the following ways:
    • EITHER we become like the person we judged, doing the things they do;
    • OR we draw onto ourselves people who would do (or be) the things we judged;
    • OR both of the above.
And so it was clear to me that since I had judged my mother to be a critical person, I had indeed been reaping; I had been drawing unto myself women who are critical of me!

Further to this, I had also been harbouring a bitter root expectancy (due to the years of hurt and rejection from women);  I had come to expect women not to like me, thereby defiling them to do this very thing to me whether or not they had intended to.

And in order to protect my heart from being hurt, I had created a wall around it and made some strong inner vows not to converse with women, not to open myself up to them, thereby not allowing them to like or love me, nor allowing myself to like or love them.

And over time, I had come to believe the lie that women do not like me, will not like me and that they would view me as someone who is not worth being friends with.

Dealing with the Root

The minister lead me through a prayer to break all the structures around my heart -- all the bitter root judgments, expectancies, inner vows and lies. In addition to this, she also prayed a prayer to draw out the trauma that I had experienced at University. She took off the "SLAG" label from me. Indeed, sometimes we live through life with destructive labels that other people have put upon us, which cause us to lose our identity -- especially our identity in Christ.

The minister also prayed for God to strengthen my spirit to give new responses towards women and also towards my mother.

Then the minister asked God to show me His truth about me. And so amongst my tears and pain, I heard a very faint voice saying, "You are a child of God". That was it! It was nothing that I didn't already know, so it wasn't anything that blew me away. However, unbeknownst to me, this information that was "head knowledge" was about to become a "heart revelation"...

The Healing Continued...

A few days after the inner healing session took place, I was busy cooking alone in the kitchen when I suddenly heard my mother's voice ringing once more in my ears, saying, "You are just like your father... you are just like your father... and your feet are horrible and flat..."  And with this, also came that same old pain that had hurt me for so long. Tears started to fall down my face and onto the kitchen worktops. Immediately, I stopped what I was doing and I began to cry...

After a few moments, as my mother's words and her voice repeated themselves, I heard a new voice, a very different voice which I realised now and identified to be the voice of the Holy Spirit. The voice continued my mother's sentence "You are just like your father... IN HEAVEN!"

My crying stopped dead in its tracks, I looked around startled! What did I just hear? Did I hear what I thought I heard? Just then, I heard the Holy Spirit repeating Himself again,
"You are just like your Father ... IN HEAVEN"

Suddenly the penny dropped! That's why in the ministry session, God told me that I was "a child of God". I really am His child because He is my Father!  Heart revelation suddenly arrived! I could feel healing oil being poured upon my heart and the pain in it dissipating... melting away into nothing!  My tears turned into happy tears -- there is just nothing like the experience of hearing God's voice and hearing Him expressing His love for me.

And then the voice continued, "...and your feet are beautiful because they shall carry you to bring the Good News to others." This was swiftly followed by a scripture:

Romans 10:15
...As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!”

The voice then continued to say, "...and the flat part of your feet will enable you to stand firm in the Gospel that you bring, and in the spiritual battles that come."

I stood there astonished at what I heard. I found myself looking down at my feet and there, for the very first time in my life, I saw them beautiful and precious, and I love them, especially the "flat" part. I could hardly believe my heart was feeling such feelings for my feet. God must be really healing me!

Then further revelations arrived. One was the scripture in Ephesians on "the Armour of God":
Ephesians 6:12-15
12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

This scripture leapt out with a new personal meaning: it's describing my feet for spiritual battle! Feeling humbled, I cried more happy tears, praising God for His healing and His truth.

Then another revelation arrived: the revelation that my Father God has always loved my feet because He was the one who made them. And He had shown His love for my feet through my husband. My husband is the ONLY man who has ever kissed my feet and loves doing so (much to my embarrassment and awkwardness in the past). He adored them from the moment we met. He found their flatness lovable. Now I see that love in my husband's heart is God's love -- for me and my feet -- manifest. At this realisation, I cried even more in awe and in humility. It was so overwhelming, the tears just kept running down my face... I was a mess...

Oh Lord, sometimes I am just so blind that I do not see your love for me. How privileged it is not only to be loved by You, but for you to give me the eyes to see that love...

A Healed Life

New responses

A few months passed and since life was extremely busy, I had forgotten about the above inner healing God had so lovingly brought me into. I had booked myself to attend a weekend conference. When I arrived, I suddenly realised almost of all them were women -- I recalled seeing only two men in the whole place!

During a coffee break, I stood back, away from the general crowd, just watching these women conversing. Then I remembered my inner healing session and wondered how these women were now going to react towards me. I looked around to see if anyone was giving me the usual "look of death". To my surprise, I caught one woman smiling at me, at which point she walked towards me to introduce herself. Then another came to interrupt, asking if she could make me a cup of tea (she was not even the event organiser, she was an attendee just like me!). And then another hugged and greeted me as if she knew me, followed yet by another woman complimenting the jacket I was wearing. All this happened in the space of a 20-minute coffee break. What in the world...?!! This has never happened to me before! Not ever!

I realised then that something had shifted in the spiritual realm: I had stopped defiling these women from judging me and hating me. I was really astounded and thrilled at the results I was experiencing.

Since that time, I have felt more confident and relaxed in the company of women. Most have been sweet and approachable, and friendships are now easily formed. There are, of course, some that still don't like me, but at least I know that it's not due to me defiling them; they may well have their own issues, just as I have had with my mother.

Blessed Feet

Another strange, yet wonderful thing has been happening to me. Whenever I am about to share the gospel with someone, the "flat" part of my left foot becomes warm with a "glowing" heat. This phenomenon often occurs on my journey to a place of sharing, or at the time of sharing, or just after sharing had taken place. In any case, it is a personal sign to me that the Holy Spirit is with me and has been hard at work through me.

A Spiritual Conclusion

In looking back over my "women troubles", it is clear to me that the enemy loves to attack the areas of life in which God has poured His anointing; areas where God wanted a person to excel and to serve. In my case, the lies of the enemy were trying to cover and muscle in over God's truth for me and about me. These were:
  • My identity in Christ. As a child of my earthly father, I was compared to him in a very negative and destructive light. The lies that came from this had defined me as someone useless and unpleasant. However, as a child of my heavenly Father, I am valued, loved and useful for the purpose for which He has made me.
  • My destiny in Christ. My physical feet were condemned as being ugly and flat, but in the spirit they are a beautiful and valuable asset to spreading the gospel -- to help and to lead people to Christ.
Looking back, most of the people we ministered to last year were hurting women. It is clear to me now that this is the reason why the enemy had tried to estrange me from women. Had I not defiled them, I wonder how many more women I could have helped and led to Christ?

I have come to the realisation that my inner healing is not only important to me, but also to those who cross my path. And this will be the case for each and everyone of us. Everyone needs inner healing not only for themselves, but also for the people who cross their paths.