The Death of my Father

15 November 2023 was a day like no other for me. I was plagued with a strange heaviness in my heart from morning until the moment my head touched the pillow on my bed at around 11:00pm.

I had wanted to cry all day, but somehow the tears did not come as if they were restrained. I had never felt like this before and I couldn't understand it.

I went to sleep only to dream about my father. I had, in fact, been dreaming about him for the last two days. I woke up suddenly at around 3:00 am to see a message from my cousin in Indonesia. She wrote that my father had been taken to hospital. I replied to say that I would be praying for him.

I went back to sleep after my prayer, only to wake up to another message from another cousin, this time a message of condolensces to me. I was shocked! Has my father passed away?

Later I discovered that he died around the time I went to bed, but my first cousin didn't have the heart to tell me. And my second cousin sent his condolensces on the assumption that I had known dad had died. 

Now all the strange heaviness in my heart made sense - a person whom I am a part of was leaving this earth...

Tears then flowed profusely, no more hindrances or restraints. And to this day, they would still flow now and again.

In the months that follow, the Lord took me on a beautiful journey to help me understand and honour my father. That is another story for another time, and it is a heart-wrenching one. But for this time of writing, I would like to share how in the midst of grief and sorrow, the Lord taught me how to still receive His joy and peace.

Stressful Paperwork

My cousin took care of the funeral and the paperwork in Indonesia. In that sense, she took a lot of the stress from me. But my father had also left a lot of loose ends in England, which I had to deal with.

Dad left no will, and he was domiciled in Indonesia at the time of his death - which complicated matters ernomously in regards to the paperwork for his estate here.

It was also not easy to look at his papers, his photos, his certifcates, his achievements and all that he had sacrificed for the family. Moments of sadness and tears were never far from the form-filling, the telepohone calls to the authorities here, such as HMRC, etc. 

It was not long before I found myself drowning completely in stress. So much so that I couldn't even grieve anymore. The thought of HMRC and all the paperwork would send me into depression. I no longer enjoyed my life - I hated doing my garden, I hated my food and drink and I had many sleepless nights.

I kept thinking - one day when all the paperwork is done and dusted then I can be happy again, but not before then. I long for the finish line, but it never seems to come. Indeed, HMRC and such authorities here are very slow to respond. Six or seven months would go by between correspondence. And in that time, my life was on hold, I could not enjoy anything! It was painstaking!

A Spiritual Battle Exposed

The words in Ecclesiastes made me question - if indeed enjoyment in eating, drinking, and working is the gift of God - then why am I not receiving that gift? Then I heard the Holy Spirit say,

"God already gave the gift and it's up to you to take it."

Suddenly I realised that I had not been taking the gift that God has been offering me because I had not known about it - not until I read it in Ecclesiastes. Oh how important it is to read the Word of God - for His Word is Life! Not to read it is to deprive oneself of life! Indeed, it is written:

Matthew 4:4

... ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’ 

It also occured to me that there is an enemy who wants to steal the gift from me. He did so by making me so consumed in stress from my father's paperwork that I lost the joy of life!

It is clear to me now that I have to take charge of this battle and take back the joy of life that the enemy has stolen from me. It is God's gift to me. The enemy shall not take it from me. 

Stress turned into Joy

Since I took charge of the spiritual battle and took the gift of God from the hands of the enemy, my life is now back to normal. I am able to enjoy many things - my food, my drink, my work, my garden ... the battle is won!

Yes the paperwork is still ongoing - but it has ceased to stop my life. I have my life back - one that is full of joy. I still grieve for my father, but my heart prays for joy for him which, in turn, comforts me.

I had thought that I needed favour and speed to get the paperwork done and get my life back, but God taught me that what I needed was:

His joy and peace in the midst of the storm ...

Hallelujah!

I pray that my story blesses you, especially if you are in a place of stress and worry. Take the gift of God, the gift to enjoy your life, every aspect of it - for life itself is also a gift from Him. All good things come from Him. All praise be to Him! May the joy of the Lord fill you this day!