The Death of my Father

15 November 2023 was a day like no other for me. I was plagued with a strange heaviness in my heart from morning until the moment my head touched the pillow on my bed at around 11:30pm.

I had wanted to cry all day, but somehow the tears did not come as if they were restrained. I had never felt like this before and I couldn't understand it.

Before I went to sleep I received a message from my cousin in Indonesia that my father had been taken to hospital. I replied to say that I would be praying for him.

I went to sleep only to dream about my father. I had, in fact, been dreaming about him for the last two days. I woke up suddenly at around 4:00 am to see a message from a different cousin. This time, however, it was a message of condolence! I was shocked! Had my father really passed away?

Later I discovered that he died around the time I went to bed, but my first cousin didn't have the heart to tell me. And my second cousin sent his condolence assuming that I already knew that my father had died.

All the strange heaviness that I had felt in my heart now made sense - a person whom I was a part of was leaving this earth...

Tears then flowed freely, with no more hindrance or restraint. And to this day, they still flow on occasion.

In the months that followed, the Lord took me on a beautiful journey to help me understand and honour my father. That is another story for another time, though it is a heart-wrenching one. But for this story, I would like to share how - in the midst of grief and sorrow - the Lord taught me how to still receive His joy and peace.

Stressful Paperwork

My cousin took care of the funeral and the paperwork in Indonesia. In that sense, she took a lot of the stress from me. But my father had also left a lot of loose ends in England, which I had to deal with.

He had left no will, and was domiciled in Indonesia at the time of his death. This complicated matters ernomously with regards to the paperwork for his estate here in the UK.

It was also not easy to look at his papers, photos, certificates, achievements, and all that he had sacrificed for the family. Moments of sadness and tears were never far from me as I went through filling out the many forms and telephone calls that the UK authorities required.

It was not long before I found myself drowning completely in stress. So much so that I couldn't even grieve anymore. The thought of all the paperwork would send me into a deep sense of loss and sorrow. I no longer enjoyed my life - I hated working in my garden, I didn't enjoy my food and drink, and I had many sleepless nights.

I kept thinking - one day when all the paperwork is done and dusted, then I can be happy again - but not before then. I longed for the finish line, but it never seemed to come. Indeed, the UK authorities were very slow to respond, with six or seven months going by between correspondences. And in that time, my life was on hold, I could not enjoy anything! It was painstaking!

A Spiritual Battle Exposed

The words in Ecclesiastes raised this question in my mind: if indeed enjoyment in eating, drinking, and working is the gift of God, then why am I not receiving that gift? Then I heard the Holy Spirit say:

"God already gave the gift and it's up to you to take it."

Suddenly, I realised that I had not been taking the gift that God has been offering me because I had not known about it - not until I read it in Ecclesiastes. 

Now, I had read Ecclesiastes several times in the past, but these words had not jumped out at me until now. This is what they call the rhema word of God. It is when God speaks personally to the person reading His word. How important it is to read the Word of God and to listen to His voice - for His Word is Life! Not to read it is to deprive oneself of life and of deep communication with God. Indeed, it is written:

Matthew 4:4

... ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’ 

It also occured to me that there is an enemy (Satan) who wants to steal the gift of joy from me. He did so by making me so consumed in stress from my father's paperwork that I lost the joy of life!

It is clear to me now that I have to take charge of this spiritual battle and take back the joy of life that the enemy has stolen from me. It is God's gift to me, and the enemy shall not take it from me.

Stress turned into Joy

Since I took charge of the spiritual battle and took the gift of God from the hands of the enemy, my life is now back to normal. I am able to enjoy many things - food and drink, my work, working in my garden - the battle is won!

Yes, the paperwork is still ongoing - but it has ceased to put a stop to my life and dominate my thoughts. I have my life back - one that is full of joy. I still grieve for my father, but my heart prays for joy and peace for him which, in turn, comforts me.

I had thought that I needed favour and speed to get the paperwork done and get my life back, but God taught me that what I needed was:

His joy and peace in the midst of the storm ...

As Jesus said,

John 14:25-27

25 “All this I have spoken while still with you. 26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

I pray that my story blesses you, especially if you are in a place of stress and worry. Take the gift of God, the gift to enjoy your life, every aspect of it - for life itself is also a gift from Him. All good things come from Him. All praise be to Him! May the joy of the Lord fill you this day!